Let The Church Say Amen!
I realize that I haven’t blogged in quite some time. To be quite honest, life has kept me from doing so, but in this blog, my life experiences is what brings me to blog to you all today. These past few months have been nothing less of hell. But what really prompted me to write this....is...church folk. Church folk can be some of the meanest, rudest, shallowest, and most immature people that you may come across. Some can also be some of the most sweetest, kindest, warm, and loving people that you will find. However, I’m talking more so about the bad. I feel compelled to post this because I know that my struggle is very similar to others (if they are honest with themselves). I had a little birdie tell me in my ear that some people (people...more than one...that I don’t consider friends) found out about SOME of the stuff going on in my life and decided to be judgmental and gossip about it. Of course, they haven’t said anything to me, but that’s usually how things like that go. But there are just several things that I would like to blog about...thoughts that have been circulating in my head for some time, but it’s time for those ideas to be manifested in the physical.
God knows me. God knows that I am a strong individual, but in my strength, I am stubborn. God has taken this season in my life to literally break me down to my smallest matter and he reconstructed me over again. And I would not trade not one day of my experiences for this world. One prayer that I often prayed to God was that I desire to be closer to him. I remember growing up, the saints used to always say be careful what you pray for. And I wasn’t careful, but that’s fine fine FINE. One thing that I’ve learned in seeking God’s face is that God will reveal himself to you when you ask. Now, he goes about revealing himself in various ways. The way that revealed himself to me is through trials and tribulations. Some of which he intentionally directed my way and some of the trials and tribulations in which I have brought on myself. But either way, God revealed himself to me. This revelation came to me last month when I had to preach a sermon for a youth revival. It was the hardest (yet most powerful sermon in my opinion) that I have ever preached. It didn’t come from a world of church cliches. It didn’t come from what I heard other people say. It came strictly from my life. But I have learned that in seeking God, God places you in situations where he reveals his power to you. You can’t testify about God being a healer in your body if he never healed you. You can’t testify about God being a lawyer in a court room if you haven’t been placed in a situation for him to do so. You can’t have a testimony about God being Jehovah Jireh, bread when you’re hungry and water when you’re thirsty if you’ve never been in those predicaments. You can’t testify about God being gracious and merciful if you have never been in those situations. So when you pray to God and honestly seek him, be prepared for the roller coaster ride.
When I was really young (right before my I hit the pre-teen years), I had a conversation with God. I asked him to do one thing in my life, whenever there was something life changing that would happen to me or something that I would find difficult to overcome that he would give me a warning. And he has kept that promise to me to this day. I have known when close people die right before they leave this earth. I have known relationships and friendships to dissipate before they even ended. I have known disappointments to occur before they have even happened. It’s a gift that God has given me. I can honestly testify that God keeps promises and sticks by my side like no other. God whispered to me before my mother even told me that one of my favorite people in the whole wide world (my grandmother) died. He told me in a still voice when people that I valued very close to me at some point were going to turn their backs on me without even uttering a word of goodbye. But even in all of my “losses”, God always replenishes and runs my cup over. God has blessed me with people who dare to dream. Not only do they dream, not only do they speak about their dreams, but they make moves to making those dreams come true. Right now in my life, I have the BEST people that I could ever ask for and MORE. I’m not talking about the people that know of me. I’m talking about the people that I call friend, that’s a word that I don’t use lightly. They know who they are.
Another thing God has taught me in this season of my life is that my test is my testimony. I have been abused both physically and emotionally, but I live up to my name each and everyday (Halona meaning HAPPY fortune). Looking at me, no one would ever know all that I have endured, much of which I have never EVER disclosed to anyone. People always wonder why my faith is so strong at the young and tender age of 22. There’s a lot of hell that I have had to endure to get to this point. God has had favor on my life ALL of my life. There have been moments where I have tried to walk away from that favor and be normal. God did not call me to be ordinary...he has and continuously deems me to be extraordinary. I have longed to live a normal life, but that is not the life that God has called for me to live. I have even befriended ordinary people and/or people that live below their destiny, but God did me the biggest favor and removed them out of my life. Even when I bump into those that have hurt and left me, I don’t even flip out and be bitter like I used to. I simply pray for them. Often times, the ones that have a lot to say about someone and their situation are the same ones that don’t offer to help you AT ALL. That type of mentality comes from the hell that I have endured. God has blessed me with a family (not biological, not talking about my adopted family), my church family, to be angels in my life. I have let those who were supposed to be my support system emotionally drain and sabotage me, but because of God’s mercy (holding back the consequences that I am supposed to suffer) and grace (bestowing blessings upon me that I DO NOT deserve) he has sustained me and used me in spite of my trifling self. Many of the biggest moments of my life have also have been the worst, simply because of those that have tried to tear me down each and every step of the way. But because I am a child of God, those weapons that were formed against me never prospered!
I have even let church people turn me away from going to church for some months. But God told me that if he revealed all of their baggage to me, they have no right or reason to pass judgment or talk ill about me behind my back. While church people love to talk about my trials, don’t forget to end the story with my triumph (if they even know that since they seem to know so much). For some reason, I felt very compelled to write this. Somebody needed to read this. I have come to the conclusion that because of the lack of support and emotional stability that I needed, I stopped loving myself a long time ago. I can openly admit that. But I now understand the saying that God loves me better than I can love myself. I have had several friends call and discuss with me their issues, some of which I struggled with as well. So I told myself, if two people are struggling with this, others are struggling as well. If you don’t remember anything else, remember this: God will challenge you and your faith when you seek his face. Never edit your story or your test because it is your testimony. It is the story that explains why you stand victoriously. I can honestly say that God has impacted me so much that even my worship has changed. When I go to church, I can’t sit next to people that I will be chatty with during the whole service like I used to. I sit by myself so it can just be me and God. If anybody knows me, you know that I am not an emotional person. When I think about the goodness of God, I can’t help but to cry tears of joy and bellow out loud shouts of praise. That’s what God will do to you. God will shift your way of thinking, your way of living, your way of worshipping, and even shift your inner circle. Just when you feel like you are about to give up, remember that each day that God blesses you with to be able to see, it makes you one step closer to receiving your blessing. Don’t give up before God gives you your blessing. This is my way of giving you a somewhat update of my life and words of encouragement to keep on keeping on. Be encouraged!
(Sorry for the length y'all lol it's been a minute since I wrote anything, but thanks for reading it all *smiles*)
